My private struggle

As most of you have followed me for awhile knows, I am divorced and have shared custody of my two older children with my first husband.  I am remarried and have two more children with my new husband. We are kind of what is becoming the new "normal" for families and also what they call "blended".  Relations with my ex since the divorce has been anything but pleasant and a constant struggle for myself and my husband and I as a couple.  It is difficult for some people to move beyond hurt, that then  festers into bitterness. I have always put my children forefront on any decisions with my ex, but sometimes even my own personal emotions and feelings get in the way of doing the right thing.

A year ago my husband and I decided that we would change some things with the current parenting schedule, to not only give some normalcy to the children's schedule over the school year, but put some boundaries on any future "daddy dramas".  Well that was like taking a bag of lit fireworks and throwing them into a pool of gasoline!!   So my little change to my current schedule turned into a full blown, war waging custody battle that turned into Dad asking for primary custody. All sorts of accusations were spewed out putting a major microscope onto my life, my marriage and my parenting.  Not something you really want, even if you think you have the perfect situation.  Truth is - there is no one out there who does, and when you get attorneys, mediators, and therapists involved, they are absolutely fueled by any flaws, mistakes, and road bumps you've had or have.

Sadly to say, nothing really went as we had planned and now I face more attorneys, more court, more therapists, more damage to two little children who just want to love and be loved with what's left of their family. I have gone through this past year clinging to God.  Steadfast in prayer.  Hoping for things to be made to what I feel is "right" in my mind.  It has been a tough journey for me to go through this feeling like God is telling me "no" and having to wait and figure out what exactly He has planned for us.

Despite all the bad in court and the system and all the hurt and ugliness that has planted itself so heavily in my life, I see I have so many blessings to focus on.  It seems that hard times are unavoidable, even as a Christian.  It's so easy to get caught up in self-pity and feel the unfairness of trials in your life.  It is easy to think that because you do so many right things, that you should be exempt from anything hard or painful.  Yet I'm learning that way of thinking is so wrong.  That as Christians, life may really get hard sometimes.  We live in a world that is broken and breaking and it will test how faithful we will be to a faith that is mocked, criticized and attacked throughout the world. I am not a Christian because it gives me insurance for a perfect life, and a free ticket to heaven.  I am a Christian because I need God to help me make sense of this world. To give me hope when there doesn't seem to be any left. The Lord has been my rock throughout this ordeal.  I have tried to find the blessings in the little things.  To look around me and see where God has said "yes" to so many things in my life, and that HE has huge plans for me and my family.  It's hard to be patient and wait when you want to throw a fit, fists pounding, and your heart is screaming.  Sometimes it feels as though I will never have any peace in my life.  But yet, I see so many other people that are hurting and suffering and broken, and just pray that they can find this freedom that I feel I have found in Jesus Christ. Giving your cares, your worries, and your tears to Him, is the most healing way to cope.  Jesus has your back, if you just ask, pray and give it all to Him.

*images sourced from pinterest.com