I have, myself, gotten caught up into the spiral of a relationship in conflict. At times it was very difficult to see the lines of responsibility. This can make it almost impossible to get the relationship back on to the path of healing. Defensiveness has been my protection method. Something I have used in my past to deflect the hurt and responsibility for the hurt I may have caused. My sinful nature wants to point out all the instances of wrong the other person has done. Keeping record of every mistake or selfishness that has occurred, saving it for use in my arsenal to unleash when someone dares to call me wrong. (smh)
My patterns of this behavior have hurt my past relationships, building fortresses around me to keep them out, rather than breaking down those barriers to let them in. Funny how those patterns begin to be easier than doing the very things that could achieve the very things my heart desires: love, connection, peace, understanding and friendship.
Is there nothing fulfilling about admitting that you may have done something wrong? Can accepting your part and asking for forgiveness still make you feel right?
Our Creator says yes! You see he created us with these feelings, and some of us absolutely feel them more than others. This makes life pretty tricky when those feelings begin to trample and destroy any chances we have at peace and relationships. Feelings that get out of our range of control keep us trapped. Sometimes they are so far out from us that we can not even see them anymore. They are just out there ahead of us, like a blinking banner for all those that come near to stay back. We can operate with those banners for a very long time before we begin to realize that something is not right and we need to do something to change it. Our enemy the devil wants us to stay in that very position of hurt, wounded, and guarded so that we cannot have the things that God desires for us. Even going as far as antagonizing those relationships to keep us there. The bible states that we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12 NLT)
So how do we break these patterns of behavior and mend relationships? I think the first thing should always be prayer. If you are a praying person, and I hope that you are, it's as simple as asking for God to help you find your part. Then asking for Him to help you find the words. It's hard to hear that voice from God sometimes, but I still believe that if you can't hear Him He will show you. Pray for signs or clear answers. God loves a chance to prove that He's listening! Second, if you still feel stuck, journal. I am a big believer in journaling especially when emotions are high. Writing these thoughts down while in the middle of high emotion is an effective way to vent, to calm yourself, to gather your thoughts, and to help you let them go so that you can then gain perspective. You may end up later realizing you really don't feel the same way after you've calmed down some.
Next you would want to identify what your part is in the situation. Identifying where you have hurt someone and caused harm is called making amends. Write it down if needed. Be ready to confess you were not on your best behavior. Connect with another neutral person you trust for advice and replay the scenario being open to their perception and opinion. Sometimes an outside party can see what you cannot.
Be ready to forgive the other person for their part and do so before hand. Forgiveness is for you not for them. Being ready to move forward means putting the past behind and looking to what is ahead. Forgiving someone is letting them out of the debt for the grievances against you and does not mean that they have permission to do it again. This is where boundaries come into play and I could talk a whole lot more about that, but that's for another post. ;) Remember this is about mending the relationship, and moving forward. How many times should you need to forgive someone? Peter asked Jesus this very question and his answer was "seventy times seven". (Matthew 18:22) I'm not good at math but that's probably enough to not even question it.
Offering forgiveness and making amends is extremely healing and will help you to find peace and serenity in your life. I hope my tips from what I have learned will help someone else to get one step closer to finding healing in relationships. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they should be called children of God. (Matthew 5:9) I strive for myself and my family to live at peace at all times with everyone. Not because I can, but because as a Christian, I am called to it.
